05.27.07
nappy doesn’t always equal happy
Don Imus come on down you’re the next contestant on American Scapegoat. Whoa whoa stop the presses I know you’re reading this and saying to yourself damn but he called those girls nappy and hoes omg gtfoh how double dare he how triple dare he. And you would be 100% correct to be offended. The fall out from this idiot’s radio show has been swift and about as precise as a 800 pound gorilla coloring between the lines.
Whenever I see these radio and tv personalities outraged on my behalf I always get a chuckle, umm thanks but no thanks I think I’m old enough to decide when I am offended about something. The funniest and probably most ironic bit of trivia for ya’ll is the fact that EVERYBODY calling for his head has been a guest on his show. I’ll type it again real slow for the people with cataracts… everybody political (governors, mayors, senators congressmen you name it anybody influential blah blah the list is endless). Don Imus isn’t a new racist/sexist he is old school and everybody knew it, and was ok with it. These same people outraged were all guests of this esteemed circus and up until he had said nappy headed hoes and noticed somebody didn’t like it, these hypocrites would have gladly done it again.
Our country has turned into politically correct wimps, pre-emptive strikes are shot in the air in the hopes of appeasing people they don’t truly care about. Don Imus should have been fired decades before for far worse things, kind of like Bill O-”real”-ly who somehow hasn’t been pistol whipped yet after he said at a dinner he hopes the black singers who were delayed before they came on stage weren’t outside stealing our hubcaps, or my favourite calling Mexicans wetbacks and hoping they drown before they swam across to steal Americans jobs. Who could forget this chestnut nugget from Rush Limbaugh who believes black people can’t swim so they always lose on survivor and Mexicans will do anything for the money even all the dirty jobs. One was sued for sexual harassment and paid money to shut her up, and the other hired his illegal immigrant maid to buy drugs for him. These two highly respected assholes have jobs and careers while a guy says nappy and hoes and the media wants to burn him alive at the stake, that my friends is the text book definition of a scapegoat.
Don Imus has the whole country outraged and in a uproar for being the same ol jackass he has always been. Whoopty freaking do… two things annoy me about this whole incident. 1) Don Imus was trying to be sexist not racist but nobody seems to have caught that, this whole thing started when he compared the two basketball teams and shockingly didn’t see anybody who looked like J-lo and Beyonce. 2) Broadcast news has decided for me that Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and Don Imus are more important than ohhh I don’t know a corrupt government, a war, the Attorney General breaking the law, and a white house aid who is covering up evidence.
Makes you wonder though, when all the smoke clears, who the real nappy headed hoes are.
Anything goes when it comes to… ohh forget it pimping still ain’t easy
A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I’ve always admired the way my parents have stood behind their kids through success and failures etc… but is there a limit to this whole being supportive thing? I know you’ve heard countless parents getting arrested for assault at a little kids hockey game. Or the obsessive mom at the beauty pageant. Mike and Shelby Lane have one upped everybody. How you ask? By and no I’m not making this up I read it in a newspaper, managing their daughter as she hopes to make it big in the porn industry. I don’t care how many cupcakes your mom baked and how early in the morning your dad drove you someplace how can you top this kind of support. According to Mike her father, he views her co-stars as her “dates” (no I’m not making this up) and he believes this is better because these co-stars won’t break her heart. While I was reading the story in the newspaper I had another explorer window open browsing Expedia.com checking out rates so I could fly down and smack these two idiots upside their head.
I think this is one of those few moments in life when somebody’s parent pass needs to be revoked. Who is the voice of reason and common sense in their house the dog? If you could switch the situation around and put it on yourself what would you do? Say your teenager comes home one day and says hey daddy I think I want to wear 6″ clear heels and slide down a pole for singles because algebra is way too hard. Or hey mom I think I want to sling some rocks so I can be a go getter like Young Jeezy. Actually I do think I know what I would say it will probably start with “wtf did you just say to me” and end with “gee I don’t know what happened officer”. I can make jokes like this because a) I’m not a parent and b) I’m not a parent lol. But something is wrong with our society when we as adults spend all our time trying to be cool instead of putting the foot where the sun doesn’t shine sometimes. Time out isn’t working time to get militant on this future generation.
Don’t forget your diaper
Don’t forget your diaper… on your way to do some dumb shit too.
Isn’t it amazing that in our infinite wisdom people think of the most outrageous things in the attempt to cover all bases and plan for all contingencies yet they forget the “why” of their brilliant plan is what needed a little more “brain storming”. I’m sure everybody by now has heard of the Astronaut who was on her way to kidnap a women at the airport. She thought of every thing even wearing diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop on the highway and lose time. Everything seemed fool proof up until you get to the kidnapping part and making some dude love her. Isn’t it amazing somebody who could do quantum physics couldn’t solve a + b = c her way out of a conversation. OJ Simpson also forgot his “diapers” when he decided to put his name on a book with the brilliant premise of “Hey I didn’t kill her, but if I did didn’t kill her, this is how I would have done it, but I didn’t”. I can’t wait to see the Coles notes study guide complete with black glove. You have to admire a guy who knows everybody hates him yet he can still sign autographs and draw crowds like he just scored a touchdown.
Both of these two idiots should have tied their thinking caps just a little bit tighter, or maybe that was the problem?!?!?! 
Mr and Mrs Right vs the rest of us
Dating in the 21st century could be compared to the Mad Magazine’s Spy vs Spy. People don’t really date any more they one up each other. Guys try and strategize not talking to somebody for a few days, or take advice from the bitter friend whose last “girlfriend” was his right hand. Women milk the moment for all its worth trying to make you think they can do better even though the odds and sheer numbers suggest otherwise. Both are right and both are dead frigging wrong.
I’m one of those vets on the team no championship ring yet. The jumpshot is still deadly but I don’t enjoy the game any more and just want to win the damn thing once and retire the jersey. I let my guard down and speak my mind every so often like now for instance (which usually backfires but hey I’m just being me). For those of ya’ll wondering where I’m going with all this bare with me. There is a myth going on between the sexes and this bullshit goes a little something like this. “I really want to settle down with a nice guy/girl”. I know its nonsense I hear it all the time from people who believe it, and from people who know it’s not true. But hey it’s just the thing to say. Seriously who is going to admit they like dating bad people on purpose? The reason you ask? “Nice” guys/girls are boring as hell, they are where they say they will be. They remember your birthdays and anniversaries. No drama no adventure yadda yadda… where is the fun in that normalcy? While I can be nice, I can also be an asshole if pushed, I’m not arrogant enough to call myself some superduper catch. I believe our culture, I’m speaking of course as a North American warm blooded black male mammal, is spoiled rotten to the core.
As much as we preach and even yell from the roof tops how we want a really great person myself included, it’s all a load of crap. For all those ready to jump on my back take a second and recount your dating patterns for the last few years. I rest my case. Mr and Mrs Right might be what we need but at its core it’s the opposite of what we want. And that my friend’s is the big frigging difference.
If dating was like buying a car sure a family can get by on a two door rusty civic but somehow everybody drives off the lot in a 4 ton SUV. Its not a coincidence. We can’t afford the sticker price, its got features we don’t need, horrible gas mileage we know the damn thing is going to break down after we drive two feet off the lot and yet here we are riding on spinning rims.
I would love to blame society but that would mean I have 4 fingers pointing back at me.
Hip Hop vs Rap
It seems almost criminal having this debate with the world spinning wildly out of control with global warming, the war in Iraq, the deficit, and taxes yadda yadda… you know adult shit. Yet here we are some 11 years after Krs One wrote a song with that very same title. Immediately when I hear somebody complain about Nas’ album title Hip Hop is Dead, I think how did our school system fail this poor soul. Then I think it’s not their fault he/she is an idiot how can anybody understand something without giving respect to its past.
The fall out from this debacle is mind boggling to say the least. Radio Dj’s have quit, buffoon rappers are exposed as being even more retarded (my bad that’s insensitive to the mentally challenged) what’s a worse word for somebody who can’t read or write and grasp the world around them but has a microphone??? I never liked Young Jeezy to begin with, but after his tirade on Monie Luv’s show I’ve found a new depth to rank his intelligence and trust me its looooooow.
I think it goes without saying but I’m going to break it down in laymen’s terms for those not really up on this Hip Hop vs Rap debate and why its so idiotic. After countless interviews from Nas its amazing that this even needs to be spoken out loud by yet another human being. But here goes… Rap is something you do Hip Hop is something you live. “Rap” is a part of Hip Hop the other parts of Hip Hop are Break Dancing, Graffiti, and Djing. Now when you think about how overly commercialized it has become it’s fairly easy to see how Hip Hop died a horrible tragic death.
As much as I love Hip Hop & Rap music I’m a old ass dude compared to these young kids. This current incarnation has passed me by. I can’t break dance anymore without hurting something vital, I have since retired from spinning turntables and sold all my records (well I kept the good ones), I don’t own any spay cans, and I can’t rap. Hip hop the culture hasn’t been passed onto this current generation properly and I really can’t fault them for it. Anybody and their grandma can Dj on a computer, people can do Graffiti on Photoshop and clearly even a monkey can rap. At one point in time these facets of “urban culture” were exclusive and impressive today they are either corny, overblown, or overexposed… I’m still a B-Boy though if only in my mind.
Still Young Jeezy my intellectually challenged friend has over estimated his importance to the grand scheme of things, he has failed to see he was only a cog in a larger wheel if you will. Sure gritty fake rhymes about your crack cooking experiences are part of Hip Hop as are the struggles of the streets, but they are not the whole equation. And that there in lies the problem. I agree with Nas Hip Hop in its current form is dead, maybe something new might rise from the ashes. Either way I’m getting to old for this shit like Danny Glover and Mel Gibson.
Attention Whoring is at a all time high
Back when I was a kid my mom and dad use to stress the value of a good education. My mom spun tales of how smarts and hard work will get you ahead in life. Fast forward to today, laying on your back a lot is still frowned upon. Laying on your back and getting paid for it is still socially unacceptable. But laying on your back and getting paid for it while writing a book about you laying on your back seems all the rage. Why? No seriously who cares who you slept with that’s your business. I guess there are two sides to every coin. Basketball stars, rappers, and generally famous people had it coming to them for messing around with these young budding “investigative journalist” and “biographers”.
Nas is the next rapper to have his name dragged through the mud and really I have no opinion on him or his situation. What I do have a opinion on is the need to know. I really don’t need to know. Frankly Scarlet I couldn’t give two damns. These books are scams billed as harrowing tales with uplifting triumphs like Chicken Soup for the Soul with a soda on the side. But really what is at the core is a pretty girl who slept with a couple hundred semi famous dudes and people can’t seem to get enough.
Making a career or even becoming (in)famous because you had sex with somebody who is famous is idiotic in itself. However the real losers aren’t Carmen or Kerrin they are both getting paid, the famous rappers and basketball players are even more famous now and they got paid, the book publishers got paid, the radio hosts having them on their show to sell this nonsense got paid also. The only real losers in all this is their kids. Maybe somebody needs to write a book about that.
BFF = Best friends forever?
With the recent unraveling of BFF’s Paris Hilton and Britney Spears (which of course brought us such classics as doing the “Karate Kid” with no draws trying to get out of her car) it got me thinking about this whole BFF thing. I have different levels of “best friends” which I think is probably the most useful way to stay on top of things. Some of my friends have the keys to the castle so to speak, while others couldn’t tell you the simplest thing like what my middle name is if their life depended on it.
I have friends I only talk about Hip Hop and sports, while others I only talk about interest rates and mutual funds. I have friends that I haven’t spoken to in months but if I see them we will pick up right where we left off without skipping a beat. I have friends I love to see all the time and friends I can only take in small doses or we won’t be friends anymore. I have friends that have changed my life and friends who I make a conscience effort to talk to everyday. The friends I talk to everyday are as special to me as the ones I speak to every few weeks/months. I have friends that sometimes I want to punch in the face and kick them down a flight of stairs and friends I would take a bullet for. I have new friends I’m just getting to know and old friends I just can’t get rid of.
I have extra sensory perception I can spot a fraud a mile away like I’m Spider-Man. A lot of my friends are similar in style and personalities etc… even though I’m quiet I prefer to hang around folks who speak their mind in private or public. My friends are honest and truthful regardless of the situation (I can’t count you as a friend if you lie your ass off and you aren’t on a beach). My friends have different musical tastes but respect beautiful music regardless of the genre. Smarts and intelligence is a must sorry Paris. My friends aren’t fickle, and they won’t leave me high and dry when it’s convenient. It’s a beautiful thing having people you can count on. I try not to take it for granted because I know a lot of people who have horrible people in their inner circle. And when I hear the horror stories about things these “friends” do I shake my head in disgust.
… sometimes it really makes you wonder though who is really down
Playing hard to get by Hi Five
…and other useless past times
Everything sounds good on paper, well really all brilliant/foolish ideas sound great on paper it always seems to come down to execution. The idea is simple, if I really really like somebody I pretend like they are worst then the gum on my shoe and in theory this person will not only try harder but should fall madly in love and live happily ever after. Take a second and think about this for a moment. That has got to the stupidest dating concept known to man, short of… no I take that back its pretty stupid. I say this as not only a client but I have been the president of this idiotic club. Everybody has done it, and it’s not only ignorantly ineffective but it always backfires.
I think we need to have a referendum on dating because everybody is an adult right (well at least it says so on the drivers license). The dating world is in shambles right now people wanting to get married are at an all time low and we all blame each other. I was talking to a friend of mine and she was going on about how she likes this guy but isn’t going to call him at all. In the back of my head I was thinking oh boy here we go, so I listened intently on her plans to keep dangling the carrot in front of this poor bastard and I stopped her in mid sentence and asked so how is this all going to end? You’ve been dissing this dude all this time isn’t he just going to get bored and move on? The silence on the other side of the phone was deafening. Its not just women, us guys do this nonsense too.
It would seem as adults we have reverted back into high school students. I’m not trying to bash anybody who has done it cause I am equally as guilty, I’m just curious are there any success stories or is all this a pipe dream. The idea that people will like you more because you totally ignore them or treat them like crap is idiotic to me but hey…
The trouble with Kramer
Like most people I watched the video clip in horror as Michael Richards went off on a tirade hurling obscene insults at hecklers during his wack comedy show. I think I went through about 3 stages of anger in one minute. At first I was pissed at him like wtf is up with this asshole, then I thought why the hell were these clowns instigating (yeah I said it), and finally calm because really are you surprised?
I have two beefs over the whole situation and they go something like this “we can say it but not you” and “racism is alive?“. During all this hoopla I’ve heard all kinds of ludicrous arguments about boycotting Seinfeld to show people we won’t stand for this. During all this rage I actually went on my satellite and checked it out and Seinfeld is played on 2 cable channels nobody watches and the show has been off the air for what 7 years now and in the “last throws” of syndication if you will. Yeah that will really show them millionaires who never have to work a day in their life we mean business.
We can say it, but not you:
The majority of the people who are up in arms keep repeating this asinine argument of I can say it but he went too far. To understand where these people are coming from you only have to look at BET and Black Comedy clubs sending conflicting messages. I would need a super computer to calculate the amount of times I’ve been to a comedy club, listened to a rap album, watched a movie, tv show and/or heard people spout off equal or worse insults at people’s race religion and everything under the sun all in the context of hey its comedy I’m just pushing the envelope *see Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Kat Williams, Bernie Mac, etc…*. To be mad at somebody who does something we as a people do on a daily basis makes no sense to me. That’s like a spouse who smokes but is deeply offended and hurt that the other spouse took up smoking. I don’t want to give the wrong impression here i’m not condoning it, i’m just saying regardless of history you are in no position to be offended if you have turned it into a catch phrase and slang.
Racism is alive:
The other argument I hear that makes my blood boil for why people are mad is this ridiculous idea that racism went somewhere. Its funny but it wasn’t even a full year ago that Kanye West said George Bush hates black people during the Katrina fiasco. Only a few months removed since Mel Gibson said F#@king Jews start all wars yet people are in shock… Gasp? What? Really? Word? Racism is alive and well wake up you idiots. These people with rage and intention to picket and show ‘em why you’re mad where the hell were you during last weeks election when blatant racism was used to suppress minority votes (as reported in the newspapers) where republicans were telling minorities quote “if you go and vote you will be arrested and sent to jail”, deported etc… were you people asleep when they ran a racist TV ad against a black candidate with a women claming she met a candidate at a playboy mansion and blew a kiss to him? Where was the outrage? It was a week ago where was the emails and people rallying the battle cry for injustice???? Yeah I thought so all I hear is crickets. Most of these jokers pissed didn’t even know these things took place or had no interest and they want to spend all their energy on a washed up comic whose only claim to fame is a old ass tv show way to keep things in perspective.
This whole thing is pathetic and annoying Michael Richards is a guppy there are bigger fish to fry. Don’t get me wrong I’m mad as heck too it just occurred to me what I’m mad at. I only bring this up to say we have our priorities out of wack I’m making a case to be annoyed and upset at him but geez we can’t go to sleep 1 month later like nothing happened when its really time to be upset.
Crack is wack and Whitney is back?
Looking back through history everybody has come to that fork in the road in life. You know what I’m talking about. The one that says make a right turn to greatness or make a left turn to utter and complete failure town. I don’t think ever in our short modern history has anybody taken such a wrong turn and ended up in la la land. I mean hey her trusty compass was saying turn right you fool. Her family was like yelling from the side of the road turn right. Fans yelled turn right. Her label’s president was like turn right. And I guess in all that complete and utter unison somehow turning right seemed like the last place to go. Who knows what her reasons were but Whitney Houston took the most successful and arguably one of the most talented singing careers and up until that point squeaky clean life and put the peddle to the metal and drove to Crazy town.
Dating is one of those funny things somehow when we are with the wrong person they say all the right things, and present themselves like the perfect match. Sometimes our Gaydar is on the fritz or the back up Crazy Machine needs some tweaking. Either way we never seem to see what other people see in such close proximity. Bobby Brown Mr. Prerogative. When I first heard Whitney was dating Bobby I laughed and I laughed then I checked the calendar nope not April fools day then I sobered up… Bobby? Why Bobby? Then I thought to myself if Whitney can fall into the wrong “crowd” with a publicist, her personal pastor offering advice, a shrink, a bellboy, a chauffer, a mail man, a milkman and Oprah on speed dial there is no hope for us all.
I’ve always heard that hindsight is 20/20 but come on is love really that blind. Everybody makes poor relationship choices hell I’m am a poster child for such a organization, but at some point in life we have to take responsibility for our actions and consequences. No longer is it acceptable to pretend like everything is good in a abusive relationship just to save face or hold on to a fantasy. People never seem to change their spots, plus I can’t really bash Bobby Brown because he is what he is, and he makes no attempt to hide he is assholeness. No if we were all playing the blame game I think Whitney would probably take the brunt of it. I actually feel sorry for her, but throughout all the trials and tribulations she can hang her hat on the fact that at least she didn’t have Tom Cruise’s baby lmao.
So in honor of Whitney’s divorce and starting her life over I thought I would share same relationship dating tips.
1) If your new guy walks around town with a gold cup with diamonds on it either go shopping for thongs and practice your booty shaking or start making some adjustments to your dating criteria.
2) If everybody thinks your girlfriend is amazing but you have second thoughts trust your gut, If everybody thinks your girlfriend is crazy and you have second thoughts trust their gut.
3) Nobody calls a phone number 70 times in a day unless they are trying to win Wu Tang tickets. If you don’t have any Wu Tang Tickets to give away RUN YOU IDIOT!!!!
4) If your boyfriend would rather spend all his weekends with his boys over a romantic dinner with you either he is gay or he isn’t your boyfriend. Sometimes it could be both.
5) If your new girlfriend ducks her head every time you pass a police car chances are that night when you were watching America’s Most Wanted and the power went out only in the living room, those kung fu robots she thought she heard fighting in the basement weren’t the culprit after all.
6) If after a few dates you visit his house and instead of family and friends he kept all the stock photos in the frames but pretends he knows the people in the pictures drop your bags and jump out the window.
Good luck everybody its a jungle out there
