04.16.08
The French think it is all Tyra Banks fault!!!
For those of you who haven’t been following, the French government has decided to step in and protect people from themselves. That’s right the slippery slope of “saving” ones self from them self has been a daunting task throughout history, and it never solves or addresses the real problems, hold on I’m going to repeat this in capitals so it looks like I’m yelling…
IT NEVER ADDRESSES THE REAL PROBLEMS!!!!
If you are eating you might want to finish chewing before I finish this sentence, the French government has decided to fine websites and magazines up to 71 thousand dollars and even possibly jail time for encouraging extreme thinness. Meanwhile obesity another monumental physical and psychological problem has all worked itself out… ohh wait… while I don’t want to make light of the situation that these people have and are going through, I want to make the point that we have these issues on both sides of the equation. Overweight and obese people on the other hand won’t have their problems magically disappear because you started fining Pizza Hut and McDonalds.
Reactionary laws are about as useful as telling kids don’t look at that hole in the fence there are naked people in there. Sure you feel good about yourself for doing your duty to protect the kids, but there is still a freaking hole in the fence. Naturally my crude analogy doesn’t even begin to compare to the complexities of this problem, but you catch my drift. I don’t have all the answers to anorexia or obesity. I do have my own firsthand account of knowing somebody who is gorgeous, who believes they need breast implants and lose 5 pounds, then and only then will she be “pretty”. I could blame magazines but then again I would also be letting clothing manufactures off the hook for creating a dress size called zero, or making clothes different sizes depending on the stores. I never even knew this until I went shopping with an Ex a few years back, it was kind of sad and funny at the same time. Certain stores sell medium sized clothes in the large section and large clothes in the extra large section. If I hadn’t known any better I would have gotten a complex just watching the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
If I sat down here long enough I could probably come up with a whole list of people to blame starting with Barbie, fashion designers, music videos, actresses, singers, record companies, directors, porn, religion, relationships, men, women, friends, fat friends, skinny friends, pretty friends, and yourself. That’s right the mirror doesn’t lie, we as a society need to take responsibility for our short comings and issues. Instead of looking for scapegoats nothing will be solved until you accept yourself. I have decided I don’t need the government to tell me someone is too skinny, if your breasts look like a dimple above your ribs maybe it’s time to say yes to extra cheese on your whopper. If you need a table all to yourself so you can have room for your breakfast’s breakfast, skinny supermodels on a magazine cover is the least of your worries just ask France.
update: it would appear that my copy and paste from word missed the “paste” part sorry, here is my complete rant.
03.19.08
Singer Kelly Rowland upgrades her single latte
I’m what you call a typical guy, I’m fascinated by breasts just as much as the next guy. I’ve noticed the connection women have with them have transcended the “these dispense milk” stage to fashion accessories. For years, decades, centuries, maybe even an eternity men and women have been dissatisfied with their bodies. More so today when jerkoff bloggers make fun of people’s bodies by posting odd pictures for people to laugh at and make comments on…
…crap…
I had a point somewhere… Ohh yeah Destiny’s Child backup singer (sorry Kelly but seriously) Kelly Rowland recently invested in some prime up north real estate. During a interview with People Magazine she stated that she finally felt complete after some long soul searching. I usually focus my soul searching on life and the plight of the penguins but boobs (that’s cool too).
One of the most interesting things about this need for body improvement is the fact that these little imperfections / quirks (if you will) are sometimes the things other people love the most about a person. That’s the funny thing about beauty, everybody’s opinion on the subject matter is different. For every person “the people” deem gorgeous, there is one person repulsed by them. Well maybe repulsed is a bit strong, but you get my drift. I don’t think I have a stance on the issue of beauty. Well maybe I do, secretly I dislike the pain most women go through to look good, but when you do look good (and even sometimes better) damnit it makes me conflicted.
While I can’t compete with women on pain, I’m talking Brazilian wax in the neither regions, eyebrow plucking, breast implants, walking in 4 inch heels for 4 hours, and the all around general pain of wearing a dress in a blizzard… Speaking truthfully here none of these things actually make anybody look “better” but we believe they do and there lies the rub. Even I can even admit that I’m vain, I wear contacts so I don’t have to wear my glasses in public so I guess it goes both ways. So in parting I would just like to say to Kelly Rowland I’m not saying you should have got fake boobs, but I understand.
09.11.07
The come back that keeps giving back
If you’ve read my blogs before you can rest assured I’m fresh out of pity. I actually didn’t get to see this train wreck I was wrapped up with my fantasy football league but I HEARD about it. It was the talk of the town so I won’t bore you with repeating the details. Between Paris Hilton and Britney spears I think these two blond train wrecks have a special place in everybody’s cynical heart this year. I can’t front myself included but I think I’m moving on. Sure it was jokes but honestly (come on now) I wasn’t expecting anything less and boy did Miss Spears deliver the goods.
To me I saw this one coming a mile away but the criticism made me laugh even harder not at Britney, but at the critics. I’ve never heard so many look at her body remarks. Sure Britney’s rock hard abs have been turned into baby mush (much like 80% of America), and she doesn’t have the fit body any more but I can’t diss Britney’s welcome back baby fat. She looked more exposed than “sexy” or what ever the heck she was going for with that goofy outfit. It was kind of like watching a washed up superhero who used have the world in her palm, but now couldn’t even get a cat out the tree…
In my humble opinion I think Its time to hang up the pointy boots, pointy bra, pointy head and go watch your damn kids. No seriously, watching her performance was like watching bingo smoking housewives work a strip club pole. The days of community titty have come to a close the day the doctor said congratulations it’s a boy. Get the hell off the stage and go do some dishes or change a diaper what ever it is you did before the maid picked up the slack I think its time. The sad part was all the people egging her on, from publicist to record labels to the fans ya’ll are all dead wrong. So whats next for Brit? Who knows but I hope it includes a shirt and some pants.
05.27.07
Crack is wack and Whitney is back?
Looking back through history everybody has come to that fork in the road in life. You know what I’m talking about. The one that says make a right turn to greatness or make a left turn to utter and complete failure town. I don’t think ever in our short modern history has anybody taken such a wrong turn and ended up in la la land. I mean hey her trusty compass was saying turn right you fool. Her family was like yelling from the side of the road turn right. Fans yelled turn right. Her label’s president was like turn right. And I guess in all that complete and utter unison somehow turning right seemed like the last place to go. Who knows what her reasons were but Whitney Houston took the most successful and arguably one of the most talented singing careers and up until that point squeaky clean life and put the peddle to the metal and drove to Crazy town.
Dating is one of those funny things somehow when we are with the wrong person they say all the right things, and present themselves like the perfect match. Sometimes our Gaydar is on the fritz or the back up Crazy Machine needs some tweaking. Either way we never seem to see what other people see in such close proximity. Bobby Brown Mr. Prerogative. When I first heard Whitney was dating Bobby I laughed and I laughed then I checked the calendar nope not April fools day then I sobered up… Bobby? Why Bobby? Then I thought to myself if Whitney can fall into the wrong “crowd” with a publicist, her personal pastor offering advice, a shrink, a bellboy, a chauffer, a mail man, a milkman and Oprah on speed dial there is no hope for us all.
I’ve always heard that hindsight is 20/20 but come on is love really that blind. Everybody makes poor relationship choices hell I’m am a poster child for such a organization, but at some point in life we have to take responsibility for our actions and consequences. No longer is it acceptable to pretend like everything is good in a abusive relationship just to save face or hold on to a fantasy. People never seem to change their spots, plus I can’t really bash Bobby Brown because he is what he is, and he makes no attempt to hide he is assholeness. No if we were all playing the blame game I think Whitney would probably take the brunt of it. I actually feel sorry for her, but throughout all the trials and tribulations she can hang her hat on the fact that at least she didn’t have Tom Cruise’s baby lmao.
So in honor of Whitney’s divorce and starting her life over I thought I would share same relationship dating tips.
1) If your new guy walks around town with a gold cup with diamonds on it either go shopping for thongs and practice your booty shaking or start making some adjustments to your dating criteria.
2) If everybody thinks your girlfriend is amazing but you have second thoughts trust your gut, If everybody thinks your girlfriend is crazy and you have second thoughts trust their gut.
3) Nobody calls a phone number 70 times in a day unless they are trying to win Wu Tang tickets. If you don’t have any Wu Tang Tickets to give away RUN YOU IDIOT!!!!
4) If your boyfriend would rather spend all his weekends with his boys over a romantic dinner with you either he is gay or he isn’t your boyfriend. Sometimes it could be both.
5) If your new girlfriend ducks her head every time you pass a police car chances are that night when you were watching America’s Most Wanted and the power went out only in the living room, those kung fu robots she thought she heard fighting in the basement weren’t the culprit after all.
6) If after a few dates you visit his house and instead of family and friends he kept all the stock photos in the frames but pretends he knows the people in the pictures drop your bags and jump out the window.
Good luck everybody its a jungle out there
Are you really happy?
Have you ever seen something so ignorant it just made you want to walk up and shake the sh#t out of somebody? A friend of mine recently sent me a email and attached was this photo of Miss Lee here “soaking” her toes. I guess she showing us she is so cool that she opens a few thousand dollar bottles of Cristal for the hell of it. YEAH!!! WHOO HOOO… ummm and? I probably need to put a disclaimer here, first off I have no ill will or beef with Kimora Lee, kudos to her, she is rich and she can do what ever she wants with her money. Staging a press conference to bash your ex husband and a phony photo op while you do dumb sh#t is after all priceless, hmmm sounds like a Master Card commercial… Correct me if I’m wrong but last time I checked there was no aloe vera nutrients in Cristal right… ok just checking.
The thing that really irritates me and what sent me into a bloging tangent is simply, there are women and little girls who look at that and say damn that is what life is all about Huh?? Really??? Have we reached this point in society where people aspire in life to do silly things cause it gives people the impression we are well to do? Believe it or not there are women who want to be like her so bad they would drink the Cristal out of the tub. But hey I can’t knock them if thats what they want to be when they “grow down” more power to ya. Kimora is one of many spokes people for living ignorant. Mister Snowman himself Young Jeezy recently in a statement by his lawyer, stated that he only earns $30,000 a year so he could dodge paying anything above the 175 dollars a month child support, but brags on MTV his diamond incrusted snowman is worth $30,000 wow your son must be proud of his ol dad. Way to go padding your 401k, cause you know rappers stay rich forever!
I had an epiphany of such a few years ago, and it came from spending time with my niece one summer. Life isn’t about all the stuff I can buy that I cant afford, or the amazing things I’ve done. Life is about enjoying each day for what it is a blessing. A lot of people have confused the concept and twisted it. True happiness can’t be bought in stores or bottled. You have to be happy with yourself and your life first on a basic level, all this other stuff, the cars, the jewels, the houses this is all icing on the cake to well rounded people.
There are too many miserable, broke people living outside of their means so they can look richer than they really are, keeping up with the Jones. And for what?
Faux Nipples wtf?
Scientist have finally gone to far. Ladies I don’t know how to tell you this but faux nipples is a bit ridiculous. In an already crowed market oversaturated with fakeness, sure you might even get a few glances at your “amazing perkiness” in the beginning, but do you really want to talk to those dudes? I’ve never been into plastic bionic women. I love a little makeup, and women doing their thing with the glossy lips, but I’ll pass on the fake color contacts. Ixnay on the tissue in the bra. Spray on tans is pushing it. When I roll over in the bed in the morning I don’t ever want to have to jog my memory and figure out who the hell you are with a CSI instant DNA test. It’s just such a let down to know everything that people know and/or love about you came in a plastic package.
Some of the most beautiful women in the world complain if only I changed _______ then I would look better and its all baloney, hogwash, gibberish, nonsense, you can pick one of these and fill in the blanks (dont forget to put a F’in in front of it). You are beautiful the way you are with out the additives. Once guys get past the “she got a cute face” the only thing that is going to keep a man interested in her is her personality not fake tits, rock hard booty or the brand new, skin graft botox silly-cone injected butt implanted laser beam bionic thighs. All guys want to know is what does she look like at her Sunday best, in her hoochie club gear, and in the morning after a long night. If we cant spot the girl we think we know in all three of these alter egos us guys start getting nervous. I dont believe there is a perfect look out there, or a perfect body everybody has flaws, and everybody is attracted to different things. Take me for instance, flat chest, flat booty doesn’t bother me one bit, to somebody else that is the kiss of death to him. Everybody is different, but that fake Cindy Crawford mole that keeps moving, isn’t going to divert attention from the tissue popping out the side of your dress, or the smudge of gooey brown tan you just left on the back of that seat.
My question to you ladies is why… if you know guys get turned off and run for the mountains after you unhook your bra and the truth comes out in the shape of a whole roll Charmine, or you dash off your wig, the color contacts, fake moles, tans, booty enhancing shorts, tummy controllers, the fake eye lashes look like a tarantula crawled down your face WHY do you still do it?
I dont want you to get the wrong impression this isn’t an attack or whatever there are things I like that may not be real (makeup included) and i accept that, but the extreme things scare the sh#t out of me.
Whose booty???
According to a nation study by the BBC in multiple countries across the world it is “hip to be squared”. Huey Lewis must be nodding his head like what what see I been said that ish in the 80s holla back. Leave it to scientist to discover a formula for what is beauty. The national study found out that generally people who have symmetrical faces which means their eye brows are the exact same length apart were considered more beautiful. When the right side of their face matches the left side of their face, fat, chubby, skinny, all of these factors were unimportant as long as things were equal in distance. So I looked at my pictures and sure enough both sides… ahhhh I’m just kidding 
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Im not knocking science but their theory is for the birds. Call me old school, Im attracted to the little quirks/imperfections women have beauty moles, freckles etc yep I cant front I’m semi shallow too, seriously who isnt, but there are things I like in a person and things I dont like. Pulling out a tape measure on somebodys face isnt the only deciding factor for who is hot or not. I like nice lips and hips, and ohhh dont get me started on thighs, legs, and smiles. I’m attracted to the allure of a confident walk yep I pay attention to those things. I like women who know they are the sh#t, but dont bring it up cause its not polite to brag 
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Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but confidence and style is all on you…
